Marital Success or Divorce by John Gottman

Although I've never married, on several recent occasions I've been asked, "What do you believe makes a marriage successful today?"

One possible resource is a book written by psychologist John Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Now I don't know whether the information is full of "insert expletive", but two passages that stood out, during a random visit at "insert publicly traded retail store" were:

1) According to Gottman's research, there are four patterns of noncommunication (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) that predict DIVORCE with 91% accuracy. Unsuccessful marriages generally occur because at some point either spouse looks for and verbally mentions flaws to their spouse's personality or character.

2) Successful marriages are characterized by the ability to create shared meaning. In English, the guy or girl is looking for someone to share their experiences with.

While intimacy is important; in today's world, it's fairly common to see one spouse sharing their field of expertise (sport, occupation, trade) with each other so that the spouse sees him or her at their best, away from the home. Sometimes the nontypical outing, whether neither guy or gal has the perceived advantage, is what usually makes or breaks the early stages of marriages.

For example, the simple gesture of a guy and a girl shopping together at the mall because a:) she asked him to go with her, and b) the man showed enthusiasm to go shopping with her is a big thing for couples today. It's not because they have money to burn. It's about seeing a different side of one another and sometimes discovering another positive attribute of their spouse they didn't notice before.

Now for everyone thinking, whether i'm channeling Oprah on anyone, let me conclude this pre-holiday post paraphrasing from Yoda of all characters. "There are those who DO and there are those who do NOT. " Translation: If marriage is important to you, never EVER think you are settling. Being single has its moments, but sometimes the holidays are a reminder of the consequences of not hearing the words "I Love You" or "Let Me Help" from someone who loves you. And in this decade, where marriage doesn't mean much to half the U.S. population, I would still like to believe that everyone finds their significant other, someplace in this galaxy.